OTTOmobileMATE: I’m pretty sure my real biological father is a Muppet. It is only speculation at this point because of the ongoing controversy around Muppet-Human genetic research* [see footnote], but it would certainly explain my ongoing struggles with finger-typing and text-messaging, general ineptitude when it comes to utensil holding, why my mom’s “craft room” was always off limits, and shed some light on my natural tendency to widely open my mouth, throw my head back, and wiggle my arms when laughing or excited.

*From what I've read on MormonMuppet.org and other human-puppet ancestry websites, reliable Muppet DNA testing is still years away. Advances in Muppet DNA research and testing have come to a standstill due to funding restrictions under Trump-administration’s anti-Muppet “Fearless Furless Felt-Free America” policies. Shortly after the White House conference on (fabricated) Muppet fur and felt clogging the nation’s DNA testing equipment, the NIH seized all documents and ended all activities related to the Bunson Honeydew Project. Ironically, the project would have made M-DNA testing possible via a revolutionary furless and felt-free M-DNA extraction methodology.